Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Oral Dilemma - Part 13

 “Your joy can fill you only as deeply as your sorrow has carved you.” ― kahlil gibran

Oral Dilemma
 Ellie Mack

I sat in the small cafe off the main lobby, glancing over at the coffee bar. Caffeine was the last thing I needed as my nerves were already fried. Down the hall a bit I spied the gift store. I took a quick walk down the hall to see if perhaps they had healthy juices or something. It had been a week since I’d trained and already I could tell.
I wandered around the little shop, looking at the baby things. Wondering, if one day Luke and I would have a family together. I picked up an adorable pair of Tom’s baby shoes - so small they would fit on a doll - and marveled at the tiny feet that would fit into them.
I set it back on the shelf, blushing as I moved down the aisle. I couldn’t dare tell Luke I was thinking about babies, we can’t right now anyway, we’re just getting started. I moved down the aisle, glancing over the various little gifts. Teddy bears, floral arrangements, books, journals, and various assorted items. A sigh escaped me as I realized I was daydreaming about babies when I spied the cutest little bear, with a wrestling outfit on and a mask. From the first training session I had teased Luke about being El Diablo, the masked wrestler.
I had to get him! I made my way around the small store to the back wall where there was a soda fountain and a cooler which held my favorite fruit juice blend. I wrote El Diablo inside the little card on his ear and tucked him inside the bag then headed back to the coffee cafe’.
Mrs. Reed walked towards me, her low heels clicking on the linoleum floor. I leaned in for a hug when she got close enough, she seemed hesitant. The hug was stiff and awkward.
“Roxanne, honey. Sit down.”
She sat in the adjacent chair, still holding my hand in hers as I sat with her.
“Oh Roxanne, I” She clenched her lips tight, her chin quavered just a second. “Roxanne, Luke is gone.”
“Oh, did they release him already? Is he at home or his apartment?” I looked into her eyes hopeful but was met with a vacancy. I waited for her response.
“Roxanne, sweetheart.” She patted my hand then squeezed it.
“Oh darling, you would have made the best daughter in law.
“Wait, what? Would have? Is, is he breaking up with me?” I was already raw emotionally. The tears flowed unbidden. “Is this because I couldn’t be at the hospital?” I pulled out my phone and started to text him. This was so not fair! How could he be this way? How could he just shut me out?
Suddenly her arms were wrapped around me and she was sobbing on my shoulder which of course was a cue for my own tears to increase production. “No, Roxanne. No honey.”
After several minutes she pulled back. She took my phone from my hand, and lifted my chin. She sighed. “Roxanne, Luke was killed when his plane crashed. He actually died in the ambulance on the way to the ER. He would have never broke it off with you. He’s gone.”
I sat there staring at her. Staring into those eyes, those caring motherly eyes. I heard the words but I didn’t want to let it sink in. A bare whisper escaped me “no”.
She squeezed my hand then continued. “The funeral arrangements are for tomorrow. I am so sorry sweetheart. I know as big of a loss as this is for me, for our family I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you with your mother just passing away.”
I was shocked, stunned; a deep pain within my chest, a vice-like grip squeezing, crushing the air from my lungs. It started with a few tears, then short gasps for breath as the words hit full force, ripping my heart apart. I gasped as the sobs began, uncontrollable as my chest heaved. My vision blurred through the tears, sudden panic as my world collapsed. Gut wrenching sobs, burning tears - I couldn’t breath. I wanted to scream but couldn’t quite get enough breath.
I balled my fists to my eyes trying to make myself stop, but it was no use. I grabbed my bag and tiny bear and ran from the cafe. I ran to the car where Tara sat in the passenger seat playing a game on her phone.
“ Get out!”
She looked up at me surprised.
“ YOu’re driving. Get out NOW!” She looked at me, terrified but unsure what she had done.
Once she had the car started, she asked “Is it that bad?”
I couldn’t answer. I could barely breathe. Nothing in my life had ever felt so painful. I just glanced over at her, my face tear stained and red and wailed uncontrollably while I clutched my little El Diablo bear.


  1. Dear gods, my heart is breaking. Wonderfully written!

    1. Thanks - I cried when I was writing it!